Where are you?

Grandmother,

Are you still there...?
I can't hear your voice anymore...where are you?
It's so dark here now.

The safe haven you always provided.
It is gone now.

You were lonely.
I understand.
I feel alone too sometimes.
Being without family.
I chose for this.
You never did.

I'm so sorry I was not there.
To cheer you up.
To hold your hands.
Like you held mine so many times.

I'm so sorry I was not there.
Always traveling.
Always too busy.
Always ... so far away...

So you decided to leave.
You didn't tell me you were going to?
If you did I would not be here.
Why, grandmother?

I wish I could see you just one more time.
But I understand you were too tired.
I could feel your loneliness.

I will miss you grandmother.
Be safe...be warm ...
...you are not lonely anymore...
...never again.
x

Random Laos observations

Imagine buying cigarettes from a 6 year old little Laos girl who doesn't speak a word of English.

You don't need a permit to build something here. As long as you have the time and money start building :)

Imagine a barber shop, 2x2m, three walls and a roof. One seat in the middle. Nothing more. It looks more like an abandoned trash dump.

Imagine bars at the river just selling all kinds of thee, pancakes, and fruitshakes with opium , mushrooms or marihuana.

Imagine on top of that there are severe jail punishments when you get caught consuming any of it. Or of course, you just pay :)

Imagine that when you actually go to jail, no one knows how long you are going to stay there. No one will even know you ARE there.

Imagine that in Laos jail you don't get any food. It's up to your family to provide you with food. If not, you just die.

Imagine that when something bad happens like an accident, people will run away instead of helping you. Just to avoid any responsibility.

Imagine the police is not here to help you at all. They're only here to get your money or put you in jail. Or just to make your life miserable :) Even if you didn't do anything wrong.

Imagine the average monthly wage in Laos is about 100 US dollars.

Imagine this country is like 80 % jungle with wild tigers, bears, elephants, leopards, monkeys and much more wildlife.

Imagine there are approximately 6,5 million people in Laos and more than 10 million unexploded landmines.

Imagine that subsistence agriculture still accounts for half of the GDP and provides 80% of total employment in Laos.

Imagine that approximately 77% of Lao farm households are self-sufficient in rice.

Imagine that this is the land of a million elephants.

Now imagine yourself traveling here, alone. Priceless :)

Looking for that something special

I'm looking for something extraordinary. Something others can only dream of. Help people transform their lives in a positive way. To open doors I didn't know even existed.

It’s about life transformations—both my own and of those around me.

I've now had some time to think about all of this. When I'm back home I'm gonna start saving money with a purpose. I wanna get my divemaster and teach people how to dive around the world.

Sounds like a dream, right? Dreams are there to make them happen. And I'm gonna challenge myself to do this. There will be many obstacles and difficulties to overcome. But that's what's gonna make it even more fun.

I believe I can do it. And so can you. Make your dreams come true! :)

Pat.

The world is a crazy place

Hey

It's been a while, hasn't it?

It's been a while for me too. It seems like months since I've blogged but it's only been two weeks.

I guess after being eaten alive by two nests of red ants during my sleep, my feet being completely destroyed from jumping on and off sharp rocks after buckets of alcohol, swiping those bleeding wounds in the most ridiculous mud pool filled with people I've ever seen, being lost at night alone in the jungle, not having taken any malaria medicine yet, having lost my iPhone at night on some jungle - fucking - island with random bars on it and having some unknown dude find it the next day .... and many days of tubing.... it was time for another blog.

I've been two months in Asia now, visiting random places in random countries. I just zoom in to the places I hear from people are cool and worth seeing. It's the moooost relaxing way of traveling possible. No dates, no deadlines, never in a hurry, never knowing what will really come the next day. The kind of adventure I've always wanted to experience.

After two ripping party weeks in South Thailand I headed north to see the "real" Thailand. And real Thailand I like :-)) Bangkok was way too messy when looking back, although I loved it at the time I was there. Not really a charming place to go back to :)

After a week in Bangkok I stranded for another week in Changmai. Cooking school, Jungle Tracking, Tiger Kingdom and other random anomalies made Changmai an unforgettable experience. Spicy was great and the people I met there even better.

It was when planning my trip to Pai, that I found out my visa for Thailand just expired. Yawn! Change of plans I guess. Skip Pai and book ticket out of Thailand asap. So off I went to Laos. It took me one day to make it to the Eastern border. There we got on some 'slow boat' which goes slowly over 2 days on the Mekong river to Luang Phrabang in Laos. The surroundings and visuals on this trip were absolutely amazing but the boat was HIGHLY uncomfortable. Never again :) But a must-do for at least one time in your life ;)

Once in Luang Phrabang i stuck around there for the Spicy anniversary and visiting the waterfalls for jumping and swimming. Again, lots of good times with lots of great people. After that i did the Elephant training camp. So I can call myself a "mahout" now. An "elephant handler" hehe. Two weeks in Luang Phrabang. Too long too long...

But you see, I travel and try to feel the places I go to in a bit of a different way. If they are good energy I like to stay there for a while and indulge myself in this positiveness. It charges me up and makes me very very happy. Yes, it's that simple. So no hurries. I'd rather miss a few destinations then let go of this feeling.

So then I arrived in Vang Vieng, Laos. The fucked up little tubing town where I've now been for 11 days. Stuck out of fun. It's that energy again I feel. "Relaxness" I call it. Tubing. Meeting new people every day. Drinking. Swimming and jumping into the rocky river. Risking my life. Day after day. I feel 18 again here. Careless. Irresponsible. Happy. Timeless. Alive.

So what's next? I don't know. Every day I tell myself tomorrow I'm leaving :) Maybe I'll try to leave tomorrow again? If not you'll find me with a bucket at the river. Yeah. Good place there at the river. Kinda fucked up but really nice to forget about the rest of the world.

I guess the next best thing would be falling in love again :D


Peace to all the travellers and all the campers ;)

X

Intermezzo

I haven't been writing for a long time. I'm at Luang Phrabang in Laos at this point leaving to Vang Vieng in 30 minutes. Vietnam and Cambodja lie ahead of me. I have been looking back at the thousands of pictures I've made during my trip and I cannot believe I've been through all of this. It's simply amazing... The sheer amount of experiences that I've had is overwhelming. I almost get tears in my eyes when I see some of the pictures. Life can be so intruiging and intense. It's almost unbelievable. If I compare this to what I have been doing the past years of my life, I must have been asleep. Focused on work and career. Round the clock. Not tasting life in a way I should have done at a much much earlier stage of my life.

I wonder what I will do when I get back? Will I return to the system, blend in and return to all the mindless routines? I don't know if that will be possible. I'm gonna need a change. And it's gonna be the biggest and most positive change I'm gonna have in my entire life. The only really valuable things I can leave behind is my family and friends. No fancy cars, flashy businesscards and fancy sounding titles. I don't feel that is what I need to be happy. I used to though. I guess things change when you explore the world...and yourself.

The life I have right now is the most addictive drug I have ever tried.

I send out all my love to my family, my friends in Belgium and all the friends that i've made all over the world.

Happiness, success and love redefined.

Alice in Wonderland.

Koh Tao to Bangkok

I'm all sweaty. It's on average 35 degrees and raining pretty much all day. After arriving with the night train in Bangkok I was dumped by the taxi driver in the wrong place somewhere in this monstrosity of a city. I decided to wrestle myself on foot through it, without a map or any idea where I'm going to the place I wanted to be. I finally arrived soaked in rain and sweat. But I arrived :) This city is madness and chaos. But I love it. I love the diversity of the different neighbourhoods, people, shops, smells. The hundreds of little stands all over the streets with everyone trying to sell you something. From clothes to viagra, movies, music, porn, animals, samurai swords, drugs or even guns. If you got the money, they got the stuff. And everything can be bought on the street.

Most people don't seem to speak English too well so communicating with Thai results in really funny shit at times. The amount of stuff to see here is overwhelming. I just try to absorb it, like a sponge you wildly throw into a bathtub before it actually starts sinking. There is no time for nice and slowly. Bangkok is not nice and slowly. Bangkok is a smack in the face after the islands of South Thailand. No, Bangkok is just a smack in the face. Period. But I've always liked big cities. It's where life runs at it's highest gear. It's where you taste civilization in it's wildest, most dedacent forms.

Two more nights and I'm off to Changmai. From there I will be doing a boat trip into Laos for tubing. Aye. But first some tracking in Changmai. Gotta get my visum fixed for Vietnam too before I hit Laos or Cambodja. Fuck.

It's starting to be a hell of ride. I feel the best is yet to come. With best I mean...

Madness.

Well, maybe with the exception of Full Moon since that was madness in itself.

After all, that's what I'm looking for.

Madness.

Cheers!

Cakes were made to be eaten, not collected.

For some of you, what I am about to write might sound very disturbing. To others, very familiar.
If you are bothered at any point by what I am writing, then please read on. I just have to get some stuff off my chest now.

So here we go...

--------------------------

"What are your goals?" He asked.
"My goals"?
"Yeah, unless you know where you're going, you won't know how to get there."
"I guess my goal is quantity, quality and variety. My goal is to make out with women I just met, get blow jobs in club bathrooms, sleep with a different woman every night, and find myself in strange sexual adventures with multiple women."
He sat in silence, listening, so I continued. I'd never articulated it before, either out loud or to myself. This was several years ago, just after I discovered the Rosetta Stone of attraction in the form of an underground society of master pickup artists. "I want to corrupt young virgins, reawaken passions in bored housewives, seduce and be seduced by stars, students, centerfolds, busineswomen, and Tantric godesses. And then, from amongst these women, I will choose one to love."
"How will you know when you've found her?" He asked.
"I guess I'll just know, because I won't want to be with other women anymore."
"Well, that sounds like a good plan. And it makes sense to a certain point." I waited. I knew he was about to find the flaw in my logic.
"But what happens after a year or two years, and the sex isn't as exciting anymore? What happens if you have a child with her, and she becomes less available for you emotionally and sexually? What happens if you go through a rough patch and start fighting all the time?"

"If those things happened, I'd probably want to sleep with other women." I watched him as he lifted his legs off the floor and crossed them on the couch in a position of spiritual superiority.
"But I'd just have to control myself. I suppose I could think of other women like cigarettes. Even though I desired them, I would refrain from indulging because I'd know it was bad for the health of the relationship."
And then I waited for it, the inevitable question. He was a music producer, yet he never seemed to work. Instead, I'd meet him at his house in Brussels, and we'd spend hours discussing the meaning of life while his Indian houseboy brought us bottles of water and plates of vegan food.
"So, " he said, " you'd be okay spending the next fifty years sleeping with only one woman?"
He walked me into the weakness in my romantic strategy, and probably in most men's.

I love women's laughter.
I love their lips, their hips, their skin, their touch, the way their faces look when they're in the throes of sexual ecstacy. I love the way they nurture, feel, care, intuit, understand unconditionally.

I yearn to create that bubble of passion, which draws us into the moment and connects us to the energy of he universe. And I cherish, more than anything, the moment in bed right after the first time, when all that there is to hold on to has been given.
"Well that would be difficult for me, " I admitted. " Ideally I'd like to be able to have my cake and eat it."
"I think that's a reasonable request, " he said. " After all, cake was meant to be eaten. Who actually orders a cake, then doesn't touch it?
"So what you are saying is that there's a way to be in a commited, loving relationship, yet still sleep with other women??"
" I didn't say that. All I said is that there is a way to have a cake and eat it."
"How? Even a monogamous relationship is a challenge. That's why twenty-five percent of all crimes are domestic violence, that's why the divorce rate is fifty percent, that's why the majority of most men and woman have cheated. Maybe the relationship paradigm that's been forced on us by society isn't natural."
He looked at me disapprovingly.
I continued anyway.
"Even if you're faithful for those fifity years, you still may check out a woman walking by or leaf through a copy of Maxim or look for porn on the internet one night. And this IS going to make your partner feel like she's not enough for you."
"This is true. You can't have a healthy relationship if you're partner doesn't feel secure."
"Exactly. So, considering the the nature of men, how is it possible to make a woman feel secure in a relationship?"
"Probably by not wanting to have your cake and eat it, " he said.
"But that's not natural. You just said that cake was meant to be eaten."
"Well then, " he said, "you'll have to find a way to eat it without hurting someone you love."
I hated him sometimes. For being right.
In the days that followed, I sifted through the conversations in my mind, searching for answers. I talked to men and women everywhere I went, asking each the same question: " If you didn't have to worry about having children and you didn't need someone to take care of you when you were older, would you still get married?"
Most men said no. Most women said yes.
And that's when I realized that the traditional relationship model is defined by a woman's needs, not a man's.
Then I started asking a new question:
"Let's say you met someone, clicked on every possible level, and wanted to date this person. But the person said that after two years, he or she would disappear from your life forever and there was nothing you could do about it. Would you still date this person?"
Most women said no. Most men said yes - some even said the scenario would be ideal.

So where does that leave the "one woman, one man, happily ever after" myth that is the basis of our entire civilization? Apparently, on an unbalanced scale, because the natural insticts of men seem to be to alternate between periods of love relationships and periods of hedonistic bachelorhood, with some traumatized kids thrown in as an evolutionary imperative.

When I next met my friend, I shared my conclusion. "That's kind of sad way to live one's life, " he said.
"Yeah, and the problem is that's exactly how I've been living mine. Except for the kids part. I don't want to traumatize them, so I'm waiting until I figure out a solution to this whole relationship dilemma that satisfies the need of both sexes."
"You'd make a good politician, " he said, not as a compliment. "You'te the type of guy who can't kill a fly,a bee, or a cockroach himself, but has no problem hiring an exterminator to kill a whole swarm of them."
"What's that supposed to mean"?
"It means, " he said, setting down his bottle of water, " that your ethics are fucked up."

We live in a society that likes to make clear-cut judgments between good and bad, right and wrong, succesful and unsuccesful.
But that is NOT how the universe works.
The universe does not judge. Since the dawn of time, it has operated on just two principles: the creative and the destructive. We have come to terms with the creative impulse - that, after all, is why we're here - but we live in fear of the detructive because that, one day, will be our reason for going.

I don't want to offer you any fancy advice and tell you that if you understand all of this your life will be better. There's another side to the game: the destructive side. And, the more succesful you are, the more you're going to rub against it. Especially since, more than any other instinct we have, the sexual impulse contains both the creative and the destructive.

The inspiration for this writing was the preceding series of conversations, which point to a seemingly irreconcilable disparity between the sexual and emotional needfs of men and women - not to mention a reluctance to admit and express them. They also underscore a similarity that transcends gender:
The fear of being alone - and the dramas and comedies that occur because, as the director Rainer Werner Fassbinder put it, "we were born to need each other, but we haven't learned how to live with each other."

So why did I write this all down? I have quit the game some time ago. It has given me good and bad, but in the end, it has messed up my own morals and ethics when it comes to relationships.

I try and loosely trace the metaphorical arc of a man's dating life, building toward the question that none of the pickup gurus I met while learning the game was able to answer:
What do you do after the orgasm?

Fiction writers are lucky: They can hide behind the flawed characters they create. Here, the only flawed character is me. In the process of approaching thousands of people to master the game and myself, the three engines driving my behavior - hereditary instincts, family upbringing, and social forces - came into constant conflict.

As a result, I hurt peoples feelings, made bad choices, took unhealthy risks, missed opportunities, and commited irreversible blunders.

I also had some amazing sex.
And therein lies the conflict.
From each of these experiences, Ive tried to extract a lesson. And that has not been easy.

Because some of these experiences never should have happened in the first place.

X

Pat.